Mixed-orientation marriage

Mixed-orientation marriage
For the more general concept, see Mixed marriage

A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage in which one of the partners is heterosexual and the other is bisexual or homosexual.

Contents

Motivations

Some cite spiritual reasons for getting married.[1][2] One married homosexual man said his "spiritual identity" had always been "marriage and family."[3]

The New York Times reported "On the whole these are not marriages of convenience or cynical efforts to create cover. Gay and bisexual men continue to marry for complex reasons, many impelled not only by discrimination, but also by wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection."[4]

A mixed-orientation marriage used to cover up one's sexual orientation, especially for purposes of career advancement, is called a lavender marriage.[5]

The heterosexual companion is often called a beard.

Gay and bisexual men

A study on 26 gay and bisexual men found that internalized homophobia is a factor that leads such men into mixed-orientation marriages.[6] Marriages between a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman have a high probability of failure.[7]

Joe Kort, a counselor specializing in mixed-orientation marriages, said "These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they're on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don't mean any harm."[4] While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage.[3] LGB parents must also decide how and when to come out to their children. For many, this may be a difficult process.[8] It is also possible that someone was exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grew toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.[9]

Heterosexual women

One study states that heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[7] Kort said "straight individuals rarely marry gay people accidentally."[10] He theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[4]

Communication

Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or stupid for not having known. It is often difficult for them to seek support from family and friends because of fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism.[11] Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving.[12]

Possible risks

Heterosexual wives often feel they are not feminine enough, while heterosexual husbands feel they are not masculine enough. The heterosexual spouse may feel sexually inadequate. If a gay or bisexual husband had an affair, the heterosexual wife may fear having contracted sexually transmitted diseases.[13]


Sexual relationship disorder

If a change in sexual orientation after a period of relative stability in sexual orientation causes anxiety or depression, especially if the person is involved in a relationship, the person may have a sexual maturation disorder.

A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with issues involved in that type of marriage.[14] A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage.[15] Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy.[16] Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[17] Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns.[18] Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.[19]

Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of time. The remaining third try to make it work. The most successful ones reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation, where less successful ones try to make the marriage the same as it was before.[13]

Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a mixed-orientation marriage,[20] with openness and communication being a key factor.[21]

Support groups are available for those involved in a mixed-orientation marriage. The New York Times states "Although precise numbers are impossible to come by, 10,000 to 20,000 wives of gay husbands have contacted online support groups, and increasing numbers of them are women in their 20s or 30s."[4]

Divorce

Divorce is one possible resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with re-marriage to person of the same sex. Gay and lesbian people who come out late in life can have children from a previous heterosexual marriage.

In media

The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates back at least to 1889 with the publication of A Marriage Below Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester Allan Dale). Cohen's heterosexual female narrator was married to a homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid marrying a homosexual man.[22] Lesbian pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx, which features two married cowboys in love with each other.

The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[4] but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as Oprah, have also dealt with the issue.[23] Some of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages include:

  • Brokeback Mountain
  • De-Lovely - The story of Cole Porter, a bisexual man, and his wife, Linda Lee Thomas.
  • Far From Heaven - The story of a woman whose husband has an affair with another man.
  • Imagine Me & You - Story of a straight woman who falls in love with a lesbian at her wedding.
  • The Wedding Banquet - Story of a gay Taiwanese immigrant man who marries a mainland Chinese woman to placate his parents and get her a green card.
  • Mulligans - The story of a gay man who spends the summer with his best friend's family and begins an affair with the father.
  • American Beauty

Famous couples

There have been several famous celebrities who are in a mixed-orientation marriage, including:

References

  1. ^ Gay, Mormon, married
  2. ^ "No Easy Victory". Christianity Today. March 11, 2002. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2002/march11/2.50.html. 
  3. ^ a b Moore, Carrie A. (March 30, 2007). "Gay LDS men detail challenges". Deseret Morning News. http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,660207378,00.html. 
  4. ^ a b c d e Butler, Katy (March 7, 2006). "Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of 'Brokeback' Marriages". New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/07/health/07broke.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin. 
  5. ^ Lavender marriage. http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=term&d=8&t=8186. 
  6. ^ Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages: Attitudes, Behaviors, Childhood Experiences, and Reasons for Marriage
  7. ^ a b Büntzly G (1993). "Gay fathers in straight marriages". J Homosex. 24 (3–4): 107–14. doi:10.1300/J082v24n03_07. PMID 8505530. 
  8. ^ Dunne EJ (1987). "Helping gay fathers come out to their children". J Homosex. 14 (1–2): 213–22. doi:10.1300/J082v14n01_16. PMID 3655343. 
  9. ^ Coleman E (1985). "Bisexual women in marriages". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 87–99. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_08. PMID 4056398. 
  10. ^ Kort, Joe (September 2005). The New Mixed Marriage: When One Partner is Gay. Psychotherapy Networker. http://www.joekort.com/joekort_the_new_mixed_marriage.htm. 
  11. ^ Hays D, Samuels A (1989). "Heterosexual women's perceptions of their marriages to bisexual or homosexual men". J Homosex. 18 (1–2): 81–100. doi:10.1300/J082v18n01_04. PMID 2794500. 
  12. ^ Gochros JS (1985). "Wives' reactions to learning that their husbands are bisexual". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 101–13. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_09. PMID 4056383. 
  13. ^ a b Jerry J. Bigner, Joseph L. Wetchler Relationship therapy with same-sex couples
  14. ^ Rust, Paula C. (2000). Bisexuality in the United States: a social science reader. New York: Columbia University Press. ISBN 0-231-10227-5. http://books.google.com/?id=EwcABAApgR8C&pg=RA1-PA307. 
  15. ^ Wolf TJ (1987). "Group psychotherapy for bisexual men and their wives". J Homosex. 14 (1–2): 191–9. doi:10.1300/J082v14n01_14. PMID 3655341. 
  16. ^ Schneider JP, Schneider BH (1990). "Marital satisfaction during recovery from self-identified sexual addiction among bisexual men and their wives". J Sex Marital Ther. 16 (4): 230–50. doi:10.1080/00926239008405460. PMID 2079706. 
  17. ^ Matteson DR (1985). "Bisexual men in marriage: is a positive homosexual identity and stable marriage possible?". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 149–71. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_12. PMID 4056386. 
  18. ^ Coleman E (1981). "Bisexual and gay men in heterosexual marriage: conflicts and resolutions in therapy". J Homosex. 7 (2–3): 93–103. doi:10.1300/J082v07n02_11. PMID 7346553. 
  19. ^ Buxton AP (2005). "A Family Matter: When a Spouse Comes Out as Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual". J GLBT Family Studies 1 (2): 49–70. doi:10.1300/J461v01n02_04. ISSN 1550-428X. http://www.haworthpress.com/store/ArticleAbstract.asp?sid=3Q4EE45JK40W8L1DN0HJVF3U8WFT5DSC&ID=55278. 
  20. ^ Brownfain JJ (1985). "A study of the married bisexual male: paradox and resolution". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 173–88. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_13. PMID 4056387. 
  21. ^ Coleman E (1985). "Integration of male bisexuality and marriage". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 189–207. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_14. PMID 4056388. 
  22. ^ Fletcher, Lynne Yamaguchi (1992) The First Gay Pope and Other Records. Boston, Alyson Publications. ISBN 1-55583-206-7. p. 93
  23. ^ My Husband is gay
  24. ^ Sanchez, Albert (2001-11-06). "The Agony and Ecstasy of Anne Heche". The Advocate (Here Publishing) (850): 37. ISSN 0001-8996. 
  25. ^ Margaret Cho geared up for 'Dead'
  26. ^ Frontain, Raymond-Jean (2002). "Porter, Cole". glbtq.com. http://www.glbtq.com/arts/porter_c.html. Retrieved 2007-10-17. 
  27. ^ "Coming Clean" January 24, 1995
  28. ^ Libertarian Celebrities - Advocates for Self-Government
  29. ^ Habib, John Phillip (2002-07-09). "Dressmaker For Stars and Secretaries". The Advocate (Here Publishing) (867): 61. ISSN 0001-8996. 
  30. ^ "The Advocate's 25 Coolest Women". The Advocate. November 23, 1999. 

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