The Queen of Spain's Beard

Infobox Television episode
Title = The Queen of Spain's Beard
Series = Blackadder


Caption = (From left) Lord Percy Percy, Prince Edmund and Baldrick
Airdate = 06/7/1983
Writer = Rowan Atkinson
Richard Curtis
Director =
Guests = Miriam Margolyes
Episode list = List of Blackadder episodes
Season = 1
Episode = 4
Prev = "The Archbishop"
Next = "Witchsmeller Pursuivant"

"The Queen of Spain's Beard" was the fourth episode of the first season of the BBC sitcom "Blackadder" ("The Black Adder").

Plot

Edmund's return to prominence occurred in 1492. That year, according to the narration, "the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects" threw Europe into disarray. "Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week".

Historically, at the time Saxony was divided between Prince-elector Frederick III the Wise (reigned 1486 - 1492) and his uncle Duke Albert the Bold (reigned 1486 - 1500). There has been no Duke or Prince-Elector named Randolph. Otherwise the description of the state of Europe at the time is not that far from the truth.

England under Richard IV was apparently also involved in the general conflict. King Richard was apparently noted for the cynicism in his military strategy. Informed that the Swiss had invaded France, the King ordered Lord Wessex to take advantage of their absence and pillage Geneva. Reminded of his alliance to the Swiss, Richard merely issued orders for his invading force of 10,000 men to be dressed as Germans. He also took time to send flowers to the King of France "in sympathy for the death of his son", despite being personally responsible for said death. (The historical King of France at the time was Charles VIII whose firstborn son Prince Charles-Orland of France was actually born in 1492).

Richard IV did not neglect diplomacy either. He explained to Prince Harry that the secret to the latter lies in fornication and then marriage. He explained his plan to form an alliance with Spain against France, by marrying Harry to the Spanish Infanta. At this point some comments should be offered on the complex historical Spanish-English relations of the late 15th and 16th century. In 1492, "Spain" still consisted of the Kingdoms of Castile and Aragon, under the rule of consorts and co-rulers Isabella of Castile and Ferdinand II of Aragon. Henry VII sought an alliance with them, resulting in the marriage of his elder son Arthur, Prince of Wales to their youngest daughter Catherine of Aragon in November, 1501. When Arthur died early, Catherine was married to his younger brother Henry VIII (the historical Arthur and Henry being first cousins to the fictional Harry and Edmund). Henry VII himself offered a marriage proposal to her sister Joanna of Castile late in his life. The plan of fictional Richard IV was perhaps intended as a reference to those well-known historical events.

Said plan, however, could not work, as Harry had already been concurrently engaged to several other noble women:

* Princess Leia of Hungary
* Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg
* Queen Beowulfa of Iceland
* Countess Caroline of Luxembourg
* Bertha of Flanders
* Bertha of Brussels
* Bernard of Saxe-Coburg, correction Bertha of Saxe-Coburg (there was some confusion of whether this was a fiancé or a fiancée for Harry).
* Jeremy of Estonia (a definite fiancé to the confused Harry).

Even Richard hesitated to add a ninth concurrent engagement to Harry. "But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart!" However, his advisor Lord Chiswick reminded his King of the existence of another son, Edmund, who his father only remembered as "the slimy one". The decision had already been taken: Edmund would marry the Spanish Infanta.

Engagement

Edmund had recently fallen in love with an unnamed woman and was bitter about being violently turned down by her after she discovered that he was not his brother (she pushed him off the castle ramparts resulting in him being savaged by rabid dogs). Both Baldrick and Lord Percy took advantage of the situation to have some laughs on his expense. Edmund was about to swear off women when the message of his approaching engagement arrived. Edmund was delighted. "This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like."

He rushed to meet her, humouring Harry (accompanied for the occasion by one of his engagements, Countess Caroline of Luxembourg) for his supposed jealousy. Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain (played by Miriam Margolyes) soon arrived and turned out to be actually rather obese and not at at all what he imagined her to be. She arrived accompanied by her irritating and ever-present translator, Don Speekingleesh (Jim Broadbent) and seemed gererally quite repulsive to him. She, however, proclaimed Edmund to be the true love of her life. Meanwhile Richard IV was informed by the annoying messenger that Lord Wessex was dead. Having lost his general, the King wanted to rush the alliance with Spain, thus arranging the marriage for the following day. Edmund was appalled to learn that "in twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus!"

His advisors were at his side, however, with cunning plans to avoid the marriage. Lord Percy advised him to pretend being insane, disguise himself as a little pig, but start saying "Moo" instead of "oink". Baldrick had another plan: Edmund should pretend to "prefer the intimate company of men", just like the Earl of Doncaster. Because "no one would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster". Edmund thought it brilliant. "No-one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort". (Historically, the Earldom of Doncaster and Dukedom of Beaufort were not created until the reign of Charles II.)

Baldrick instructed him that "Now all you need to do is practise with Percy". A rather confused Edmund was trained in flirting with his male friend, acting effeminate and applying lipstick to himself, all for the eyes of his father. Richard, however, was busy sending the ashes of the King of Naples to the Queen of Naples (Historically the King of Naples at the time was Ferdinand I of Naples who would not die until January 25, 1494. His Queen at that time was Joanna of Aragon, sister of Ferdinand II of Aragon). As usual, he failed to notice his younger son. When Richard entered the room he saw Edmund and said "Morning, Doncaster", followed by two incredibly awkward moments when Harry (accompanied this time by Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg) and then his mother passed him by, both quite taken aback by his new image.

First attempt at marriage

The Infanta did notice but thought that Edmund was only dressing as a Spanish man to delight her. Edmund, however, had another plan in mind. He could not marry the Infanta if he was already married. So Edmund ordered Baldrick to abduct a Reverend Lloyd and Percy to find a suitable bride. Percy chose Tally Applebottom (played by Jane Freeman). But at the altar, while exchanging vows, Tally identified herself as Mrs. Applebottom. Edmund was surprised but had no time to search for another bride. The Reverend commented that marrying an already married person "is most unusual". Edmund argued that "The Church is never going to progress if it is not just a bit adaptable!". Baldrick resolved the matter by holding a knife at the throat of the priest. The latter commented, "Has not the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example". This marriage was, however, canceled with the arrival of a furious Mr. Thomas Applebottom (who also got Edmund confused with the Earl of Doncaster) and his scythe.

Meanwhile the Infanta had decided to learn more about her beloved Edmund. She approached his mother for a discussion. Gertrude, however, was oblivious to the matter discussed. Asked about Englishmen, Gertrude gave a less than flattering description. "Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing! ... a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins. And, of course, the other thing... custard!"

The Infanta then asked what Edmund was like in bed. Unlike Jocasta, however, Gertrude knew nothing about that aspect of her son--as pointed by her answers: "Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of cinnamon". Asked again, Gertrude corrected in saying: "Well, he is like a little rabbit, really". And that is what the Infanta wanted to hear.

Marriage

The last night of his unmarried life found Edmund thoroughly depressed. Even his own stag party was depressing, consisting of only him, Percy and Baldrick, wearing antlers. The latter two were also moody, though perhaps this had to do more with the dog prepared as their dinner. Baldrick attempted to console his Lord by pointing out that his wife was a virgin. That gave Edmund another idea: "Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she was not, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you have still got to be a virgin". So Baldrick was sent to join the Infanta in bed, pretending to be Edmund and to take her virginity, while Edmund went to inform his father.

However his choice of words was for once poor: "I bring the gravest of news". Leading to King Richard questioning him on whether the armies of the Rhine had "been slaughtered to a man and their heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner" or whether "the Russian royal family mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits". But Ivan III of Russia, his family, and presumably the Rhine armies were still alive.

Richard relaxed to learn that the news only reported the Infanta not being a virgin. She had already lost her virginity before arriving in England, as Richard knew, having been informed of the fact by her uncle while negotiating the dowry. Richard informed Edmund that "Only one of you has to be a virgin!". Edmund did not protest, tacitly admitting to being a virgin at the age of 31.

The morning marriage had to be canceled, however, only a moment from completion. A messenger reported that, as Richard IV had already suspected, "The Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain pass rendez-vous, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary".

Thus Edmund had to marry the one Hungarian Princess available in the castle. Princess Leia of Hungary, described as "young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut". Leia (played by Natasha King) was a girl of eight years. Edmund was surprised to meet his new wife, but he apparently stoically chose to accept his fate.

The strange couple did not reportedly lack in mutual affection, but slept in separate bedrooms. In a way, Edmund assumed the role of a father, entertaining his young wife with bedtime stories of elves and fairies. He was apparently resigned to wait for her to grow up. Whether the couple ever proceeded in a romantic or sexual relationship remains uncertain. Leia would still be an adolescent of fourteen years at the time of his death. However, a relationship between them would not have been entirely inconceivable at this time; for example, Henry VII's mother, Margaret Beaufort, was only thirteen years of age when she gave birth to the future king.

Trivia

*Princess Leia is a namesake of the Princess from "Star Wars" Episodes 3-6. The Black Adder's Leia even has curled hair such as the one from "Star Wars."
* This was the first of three appearances for Miriam Margolyes, she would later appear in the second season episode "Beer" and in the Christmas Carol.

See also

*Infanta
*British-Spanish relations